Dating for a Lasting Marriage
A happy family life all begins with a happy marriage,
but before we get to the part where we are married, we have to date. What it means
to date and the norms associated with it has changed dramatically over the recent
decades. If I were to ask my grandparents and even my parents what dating was
when they were in that stage of life, I would imagine they would describe it as
what you do to get to know someone of the opposite gender with the intent of
finding someone to marry, yet many people I know in the generation who are
currently dating would describe it as something you do when you already know someone
and are interested in pursuing a relationship with them. This shift in definition
may not seem like a huge deal; people still manage to get to know each other
and get married. However, this shift may have a larger influence on the success
of marriages and families than we think.
For example, something very common in the culture at
BYU-Idaho -- and I would guess translates similarly to dating in many other
colleges -- is to “hang out” rather than date. There is a big difference
between the two. Let’s think about this. If you’re looking for a person to
spend the rest of your life with, you’ll want to get to know them, and I mean
really get to know them. You’ll want to know if they are kind, hard-working,
fun, patient, loving and a myriad of other attributes they embody. If you all
you ever do is hang out at your apartment and watch Netflix, you’re not going
to get a good sense of which of those attributes they actually have.
Another important reason to date is to develop these
attributes in ourselves. In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy
proclaims himself to “have not the talent which some people possess of conversing
easily with those [he has] never seen before.” In response to Darcy, Elizabeth
says while playing the piano, “My fingers do not move over this instrument in
the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same
force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have
always supposed it to be my own fault—because I will not take the trouble of
practising.” Some may protest to not have the natural skill of dating, but as
we can see from Elizabeth’s comparison between the skill of playing the piano
and the skill of conversing with others, it is something that can be developed
like any other.
According to Dr. John Vann Epp, there are three things
you need to truly get to know someone: talk, togetherness, and time. Talk
includes mutual self-disclosure, sharing experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
Togetherness includes a wide variety of activities to see how each person
reacts in different situations. In regards to the factor of time, Vann Epp
suggests “it takes 2-3 months for patterns of who someone is to start emerging.”
These factors: talk, togetherness, and time, are crucial to developing a
comprehensive relationship with someone. It’s incredibly difficult to discover and
experience these things with another person without spending intentional, quality
time together, or in other words, dating.
When we take the time and exert appropriate effort
toward going on dates with multiple different people, we can ensure our own abilities
will increase and we will have a greater knowledge of what we want in a spouse.
The more people you go on dates with, the more people you can get to know and
the better chance you have of finding someone compatible with your values,
beliefs, and life style.
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