The Family System

The system of a family is a unique thing. There are several factors that influence the functionality of the family system. We can look at those factors to predict, evaluate, and make the necessary changes to create and build a more desirable family life. There are many behaviors and patterns in our families and the way they function that we likely don’t realize impact other parts of the system. Here’s a quick look at those factors and how you can use that knowledge to improve the way your family operates.

Systems and Subsystems

The family in itself serves as a social system, but within these systems are a multiple of other functioning systems that influence the greater whole. These are known as subsystems. Just as the parts of a car build the whole car, subsystems build a family system. The most important subsystem being that of the husband and wife. You might be surprised by how tending to the relationship of the mom and dad in a family can solve problems thought to be a result of the children’s issues. Other subsystems could include mother, son; father, daughter; brother, sister; etc. The relationships existing in the subsystems forms the family unit.

Roles

“All family members take on roles.” The roles each of us take in our families is critical to understanding how our family functions. Any time a member of the family is taken out of the equation – for example, moves or passes away – or any one is added to the family – new child or visitor – the family dynamic is changed. Either the role they play is gone, leaving a void, or a new piece is added to the system. Family roles include the hero who seems to have it all together, the delinquent who causes trouble, the scapegoat who gets blamed for issues in the family, the invisible child who tries to keep a low profile, the clown who uses humor to deal with problems, and the peacemaker who brings others together.

Rules

When talking about family rules, it goes far beyond those spoken and openly established. If you have ever gone to someone’s house and saw something they did as weird, it’s probably because they live by a different set of rules than you and your family. Our differing family rules or culture can cause issues when we move in with others who live by rules unlike our own. For example, when one goes to college and suddenly all the roommates have different ideas of what is normal versus weird or polite versus weird. This is often where miscommunication comes from. Such rules as where your family sits at the dinner table are usually not discussed and described as a formal rule, yet everyone knows dad sits at the head and mom on the right and so on. This is a small example but there are those that affect a lot more than seating arrangement. It could be an unspoken rule that you don’t cry or show emotion. It could be known in your home that the boys can show anger but not cry or that girls can cry but not show anger. Maybe your family doesn’t show feelings through physical touch. If that were a rule in your home, it would be strange for you to go give your parents hugs. How would you know that was strange? Simply put, by the feedback.

Feedback

The feedback we receive establishes those unspoken family rules. Each child comes to learn their family’s rules by the feedback exhibited by those being affected. There are certain topics I wouldn’t mention in my home or with specific family members because I know I would receive a negative response or feedback.

When we become accustomed to our family system with the different roles, rules, and feedback, it usually transfers to the new families we make. By consciously acknowledging these rules and choosing which ones we wish to keep and which ones would be better if done away with, we can have much better control over how our family functions. Instead of falling into a negative pattern of behavior that has been carried through generations, you can become the link in the chain that makes a positive impact and changes the family dynamic for the better. You can create a family legacy of kindness, respect, and love.

References: Smith, et al - Exploring Family Theories, Family Systems Theory